One of the most life changing decisions in my life was the decision to have child.  I never realized the capacity a person could have for loving another person until our son entered our world.  Parenting seems to be the toughest job in the world and also the most fulfilling.  Before having children, I had studied child development, family systems theory, and had attended numerous seminars on how to teach parenting.  I had it down pat!  Or so I thought....

What I have learned over the years is that parenting is more than a set of principles or set of rules for behavioral modification.  Plenty of books have been written about it.  Reality shows seem to teach what not to do.  And of course, pop Psychologists seemed to have found all the answers. 

Often, some children are more difficult to relate too than others.  Extreme behavioral problems seem to worsen.  Emotional problems become more intense.  When these issues arise, it seems that the way to provide care for our children is to provide care for ourselves.  This would be the time to reach out to people around us, to ask questions, seek support, and believe that there is hope.

When I meet with people about parenting their children, I remind them that even as a professional, I can not and will not tell them how to parent their children.  I do not have answers.  I come with the assumption that mothers and fathers know their children best.  While I can offer suggestions on behavioral modification plans, and help set up charts and reward systems, I believe that nothing replaces the time we spend with our child and the relationship a parent has with their child. 

Behavioral modification seems to be the most successful when balanced by quality and loving relationship that shows empathy and respect toward the child.  Furthermore, the rewards a child receives for good behavior seems to have an affect when the child is taught the value of the behavior - or internalizes the need for change.   This past Fall, our son was needing to earn money for something he wanted very badly.  One day, with great surprise, I found him sweeping leaves off our back driveway.  I was shocked and very happy.  Not only was he doing something productive, but doing something productive without me begging him to do so.  Later, he came into the house and said that he was requesting $5 for his work.  When giving him his rightfully earned reward, I said, "Wow - when you sweep off the driveway without me asking you, this tells me how responsible you want to be.  Now you can play basketball on the driveway.  And look how much money your are saving!"  I wanted to tell him not only how thrilled I was for him that he did this amazing deed, but teach him the value and reason for doing it.  While all the parenting manuals tell us to praise our children, praise is only empty unless the words give authentic value and encouragement.

Parenting is alot of fun if it is approached with hilarity and curiosity.  While it is no fun to sit by the bedside of a sick child in the hospital or stay up until the crack of dawn worrying about a teenager, or even being called to the school because of some crazy behavior our children have gotten themselves into, the difficult times of parenting can be coped with when balanced with play and spending time with our children.  One of my favorite moments as a parent was turning up the music in our house and "rocking out" to the Bohemian Rhapsody and "We are the Champions". I will try to remember these moments when he breaks curfew on prom night.  It seems to me that the best prescription for helping our children is to play with them; to find time with them so that the time is not dictated by agendas and expectations.  The more children see their parents as human beings, the easier it will be for children to feel safe.

I have learned that children are like snowflakes.  No two are alike.  Some characteristics are more intense than others. Yet as we watch, look, and listen to each one, they will show us who they are.  Eventually they will tell us what they want and need.